What is it like to have an unconditional love? For something, for anything. Where every single day you wake up and your feelings don’t deter from the day’s previous?
For me it’s always an unpredictable blown fuse. A never ending go around on the Ferris wheel because the minimally paid worker forgot to hit the stop button. I just never know when the circuit will be cut. I’m getting sick from this uncontrollable cycle that is dictating my life. It’s a constant process of receiving love, accepting it, becoming cautious of it, and shoving it away.
I thought it was human instinct to want love? To be surrounded by it? People complain about never receiving love, that they have trouble with finding it. Yet I sit here, selfishly surrounded by all this love. Which I am always thankful for, in all various forms it may present itself to me. But why is it that I never give it a chance to prosper? It just sits within me at first sporadically sparking, settling into a burning ember, and finally desperately grasping at hanging on to doubtful justifications that no longer hold any sort of truth.
I’m tired of the ambiguity and not knowing if today will be the day I will have a feeling of feeling. I want so badly to feel.